Letting Go- For Lady and Pat

12:27:25 PM EST   February 11, 2006 

It is quiet.  Not the kind of quiet before an impending storm, but the quiet that
emanates from empty.  I don't like playing God. S/he can keep the job.  
The decisions are too important.  I can barely decide what to have for dinner,
let alone make choices about things that matter.

I made the decision yesterday.  For the past year I have watched her
shake with fear,appear confused and disoriented.  I have watched these
episodes grow longer and longer.  She was always fearless, flaunting her
alpha dog status.  She would head straight into danger and grab it
by the neck and shake it. Thursday nite she spent alternating between
two hour bouts of fear and tremors with a half hour of sleep.  Friday morning
(after spending all nite awake trying to comfort her) I stepped into the
shower with her calm and out of the shower with her shaking. And as the
morning dawn evaporated into the early light of day...

I had decided...

     
At first, I attributed all these episodes to something, anything.  Perhaps the
surgery for her torn ACL. Maybe she is in pain. Maybe the anesthesia  
Could she be eating some kind of junk in the backyard? Perhaps low electrolytes,
Lyme Disease, a cold, allergies, anything.  But, it was none of the above.  
Finally, we went to the Vet Specialist.  After tests and exams, her globulins
were up and albumins down.   (Yeah, and?)

It was either Multiple Myeloma or Myoglobulin Anemia.  
(and in English that means....) Her blood viscosity is thickening, she has trouble
making blood cells in her bone marrow.   (you mean cancer... like leukemia?)  
Yeah, you could say that. (Is this why she shakes and is scared and disoriented?)  

Well, we don't know about that, perhaps she is throwing clots, or having
mini strokes.  

(Can't we give her coumadin or aspirin or something to thin the blood?)

NO, no ... that isn't the treatment,

let's do one more test.....

So, we did one more test.  Needless to say, she has always been a trooper
at the vet,actually, she LIKES the vet!  I began to think back over the past
six months.  In the beginning shewould come to me to stop her episodes.  
I couldn't, all I could do was pet her and reassure her.  Soon, her eyes would
be filled with fear during an episode, she would seek a safe place.

She could never find the safe place, and I would hold her -- but even then,
it wasn't what she was searching for.  As the episodes became more frequent
and began to spill from the one a night to daytime episodes and several
throughout the night, I watched her slip into another dog. I learned that after
this test, there was treatment, but not cure.  The treatment was chemo and
steroids, success depended on how advanced her cancer was and how well
she could tolerate the treatment. The treatment would extend her life,
but at what cost, what quality?  So, I made the decision not to treat it.

For about 6 hours last weekend, I had my girl back.  She ran, chased critters
that dared to come on to her space, barked to let the world know she
was there and they would have to answer to her.  It was wonderful.  
She even smiled.  

I got to chase her, (she would never quite play fetch, once you threw a toy, she
would  get it and you would chase her.  She always seemed to make the rules!)  
It had been so long, I had forgotten the dog that had adopted me.
This was the dog who was fearless, who could run all day and was a beautiful
sight to watch run flat out at full speed.  

This was the dog who alerted me to danger in the house, kept me from
being alone,stayed close when I was sad, helped to calm me when
I was afraid, and even came back to me when I had yelled at her for whatever.  

She was my confidante and late nite work buddy, protecting the office at
all hours of the morning for a few dog cookies and a cheeseburger from Burger King.
We walked in the early mornings, til her ACL was torn and my leg acted up.  
She kept me humble -- and made sure I knew the world revolved around HER,
not me.  

She was my weekend breakfast buddy, sharing eggs and bacon and any
other people food she could con me out of.  She taught me about unconditional
love and caring for others.

And after last weekend, I knew her quality of life, though ok, wasn't great
anymore.  She didn't like me to leave her when I had to go to work or when
I had to go anywhere.  Sometimes she didn't want to go outside alone,
so I would go with her.  She would try to run, but got winded after a short sprint.
She watched the critters, but didn't chase them.  

She didn't bark at the dog next door, just continued on meandering around
the yard.  I could see that she was having episodes while I was gone,
and being alone made her even more scared.  At least she could plead to me
with her eyes when I was there and she was having episodes.  

She wanted me to fix it, and I tried to, but couldn't. So, I decided....

Travel well, my Lady.  I can feel your spirit with me.  I know that you are
in a place where you can run and chase all day in the cool sunlight.  
Where you can explore and perhaps get to know the critters you are
barking at.  Keep it all safe til we meet again.  

Thank you for sharing your love, keeping my secrets, and teaching me
to be a better person.

 Written by Movinon203