Letting Go- For Lady and Pat

12:27:25 PM EST   February 11, 2006 

It is quiet.  Not the kind of quiet before an impending storm, but the quiet that
emanates from empty.  I don't like playing God. S/he can keep the job.  
The decisions are too important.  I can barely decide what to have for dinner,
let alone make choices about things that matter.

I made the decision yesterday.  For the past year I have watched her
shake with fear,appear confused and disoriented.  I have watched these
episodes grow longer and longer.  She was always fearless, flaunting her
alpha dog status.  She would head straight into danger and grab it
by the neck and shake it. Thursday nite she spent alternating between
two hour bouts of fear and tremors with a half hour of sleep.  Friday morning
(after spending all nite awake trying to comfort her) I stepped into the
shower with her calm and out of the shower with her shaking. And as the
morning dawn evaporated into the early light of day...

I had decided...

     
At first, I attributed all these episodes to something, anything.  Perhaps the
surgery for her torn ACL. Maybe she is in pain. Maybe the anesthesia  
Could she be eating some kind of junk in the backyard? Perhaps low electrolytes,
Lyme Disease, a cold, allergies, anything.  But, it was none of the above.  
Finally, we went to the Vet Specialist.  After tests and exams, her globulins
were up and albumins down.   (Yeah, and?)

It was either Multiple Myeloma or Myoglobulin Anemia.  
(and in English that means....) Her blood viscosity is thickening, she has trouble
making blood cells in her bone marrow.   (you mean cancer... like leukemia?)  
Yeah, you could say that. (Is this why she shakes and is scared and disoriented?)  

Well, we don't know about that, perhaps she is throwing clots, or having
mini strokes.  

(Can't we give her coumadin or aspirin or something to thin the blood?)

NO, no ... that isn't the treatment,

let's do one more test.....

So, we did one more test.  Needless to say, she has always been a trooper
at the vet,actually, she LIKES the vet!  I began to think back over the past
six months.  In the beginning shewould come to me to stop her episodes.  
I couldn't, all I could do was pet her and reassure her.  Soon, her eyes would
be filled with fear during an episode, she would seek a safe place.

She could never find the safe place, and I would hold her -- but even then,
it wasn't what she was searching for.  As the episodes became more frequent
and began to spill from the one a night to daytime episodes and several
throughout the night, I watched her slip into another dog. I learned that after
this test, there was treatment, but not cure.  The treatment was chemo and
steroids, success depended on how advanced her cancer was and how well
she could tolerate the treatment. The treatment would extend her life,
but at what cost, what quality?  So, I made the decision not to treat it.

For about 6 hours last weekend, I had my girl back.  She ran, chased critters
that dared to come on to her space, barked to let the world know she
was there and they would have to answer to her.  It was wonderful.  
She even smiled.  

I got to chase her, (she would never quite play fetch, once you threw a toy, she
would  get it and you would chase her.  She always seemed to make the rules!)  
It had been so long, I had forgotten the dog that had adopted me.
This was the dog who was fearless, who could run all day and was a beautiful
sight to watch run flat out at full speed.  

This was the dog who alerted me to danger in the house, kept me from
being alone,stayed close when I was sad, helped to calm me when
I was afraid, and even came back to me when I had yelled at her for whatever.  

She was my confidante and late nite work buddy, protecting the office at
all hours of the morning for a few dog cookies and a cheeseburger from Burger King.
We walked in the early mornings, til her ACL was torn and my leg acted up.  
She kept me humble -- and made sure I knew the world revolved around HER,
not me.  

She was my weekend breakfast buddy, sharing eggs and bacon and any
other people food she could con me out of.  She taught me about unconditional
love and caring for others.

And after last weekend, I knew her quality of life, though ok, wasn't great
anymore.  She didn't like me to leave her when I had to go to work or when
I had to go anywhere.  Sometimes she didn't want to go outside alone,
so I would go with her.  She would try to run, but got winded after a short sprint.
She watched the critters, but didn't chase them.  

She didn't bark at the dog next door, just continued on meandering around
the yard.  I could see that she was having episodes while I was gone,
and being alone made her even more scared.  At least she could plead to me
with her eyes when I was there and she was having episodes.  

She wanted me to fix it, and I tried to, but couldn't. So, I decided....

Travel well, my Lady.  I can feel your spirit with me.  I know that you are
in a place where you can run and chase all day in the cool sunlight.  
Where you can explore and perhaps get to know the critters you are
barking at.  Keep it all safe til we meet again.  

Thank you for sharing your love, keeping my secrets, and teaching me
to be a better person.

 Written by Movinon203

 

 

 

"Why Dogs Don't Live As Long As People"

A four year old child's wisdom: Why dogs do not live as long as people.
 
Being a Veterinarian, I had been called to examine a ten-year-old Irish
Wolfhound named Belker. The dog's owners, Ron, his wife, Lisa, and
their little boy, Shane, were all very attached to Belker and they were
hoping for a miracle.
 
I examined Belker and found he was dying of cancer. I told the family there
were no miracles left for Belker, and offered to perform the euthanasia
procedure for the old dog in their home.
 
As we made arrangements, Ron and Lisa told me they thought it would be
good for the four-year-old Shane to observe the procedure. They felt as
though Shane might learn something from the experience.
 
The next day, I felt the familiar catch in my throat as Belker's family
surrounded him. Shane seemed so calm, petting the old dog for the last time,
that I wondered if he understood what was going on.
 
Within a few minutes, Belker slipped peacefully away. The little boy seemed
to accept Belker's transition without any difficulty or confusion. We sat together
for a while after Belker's death, wondering aloud about the sad fact that animal
lives are shorter than human lives. Shane, who had been listening quietly,
piped up, "I know why." Startled, we all turned to him. What came out of his mouth
next stunned me. I'd never heard a more comforting explanation.
 
He said, "People are born so that they can learn how to live a good life --
like loving everybody all the time and being nice, right?" The four-year-old
continued, "Well, dogs already know how to do that,
so they don't have to stay as long."
 

Author "Unknown"
 

Memorial For Little Crow St. Saenz and WalksTheWestWind

Little Crow St. Saenz   June 12, 1995 - January 24, 2006

"At the age of two months, Little Crow came into our lives and enriched them greatly. Always spreading sunshine, she brought joy and laughter and even surprise into our home.  Crow was our rock. Without a word of complaint, without a sign of age or sickness, her little heart just stopped and she slipped peacefully into the loving arms of our Great Mother Goddess.   We miss you and love you Sweet Baby Crow."  

 

Princess Luby's Memorial Site

When I accessed my journal this afternoon, I found a comment that only had a url posted with nothing else. Being curious of course..  I had to go check it out. I feel so blessed that I followed my heart. I would like to share Princess Luby's Memorial Site with all  cat lovers. It is an incredibly beautiful site and one that was an inspiration to me.

Thanks you Luby's mom! Your angel must be feeling so very loved.

PRINCESS LUBY'S MEMORIAL SITE

Please do visit this page.

Jo

New Yorkers For Companion Animals-

I was "surfing" the Internet today, following links that I had discovered, through the incredible moving journal, Tales and Tails of New York, and came across one of the most resource filled web sites:

New Yorkers For Companion Animals.

 As I explored the web site, I was deeply moved,  and have to send special thanks and prayers to the countless people who work with such passion and committment to help the untold numbers of homeless animals that need help.

We cannot close our eyes to the suffering which these animals go through. We all need to find a way, whether it be donations, or volunteering, or educating ourselves so that we may be able to educate others, so that a time will come when there are no more unwanted fur babies.. we all have to make this happen.. and together it IS possible!

Thank you so much NYCA for all you are doing.

Jo

Little Bit Is At The Rainbow Bridge: For Snowcats (Carol)

A Memorial For Little Bit

Little Bit: 1990-2006

"Dear Family and Friends.....

It is with great sadness and a heavy heart that I let you know
that LittleBit passed away this morning.(1/31/06).  She was in the end
stages of Chronic Renal Failure and was wasting away.  She went
to the Rainbow Bridge at 9 am with the gentle assistance of
her vet, Dr. Mlsna and her assistant, Jim.  She had her favorite
catnip mouse with her.  She was ready to leave this world and
went peacefully.  The entire staff at the Vets office was extremely
kind and gentle.

We are very heartbroken and will miss her immensely.  But,
I take comfort in knowing that her little body is no
longer ill and she will be reunited with us again someday.  Her
original owners, Momma and Daddy Clarke, are there at the
bridge waiting for their little girl to come back to them."

 

"Something Just Told Me".. Prayer for a MIRACLE form a New York City Area reader!!!

Read this incredible story "Something Just Told Me" :   and then feel the connection!

And, something just called to* me* about this entry. If there is a dog lover out there in the Greater NYC area, who would love this dog, please contact me by email. There seems to be some "something just told me" energy about the journal entry from, "Tales and Tails of New York". Perhaps the critically ill, hospitalized owner is "calling out" for help for her furbaby from her hospital room?

Jo

"The Zen Of Cat" By Jim Willis- With Permission Of The Author

The Man was very sad. He knew that the Cat's days were numbered.
The doctor had said there wasn't anything more that could be done,
that he should take the Cat home and make him as comfortable as possible.

The man stroked the Cat on his lap and sighed. The Cat opened his eyes,
purred and looked up at the Man. A tear rolled down the Man's cheek and
landed on the Cat's forehead. The Cat gave him a slightly annoyed look.

"Why do you cry, Man?" the Cat asked. "Because you can't bear the
thought of losing me? Because you think you can never replace me?"

The Man nodded "yes."

"And where do you think I'll be when I leave you?" the Cat asked.

The Man shrugged helplessly.

"Close your eyes, Man," the Cat said. The Man gave him a questioning look,
but did as he was told.

"What color are my eyes and fur?" the Cat asked.

"Your eyes are gold and your fur is a rich, warm brown," the Man replied.

"And where is my fur the darkest?" the Cat asked.

"It is darkest along your back, your tail, your legs, nose and ears," the Man said.

"And where is it that you most often see me?" asked the Cat.

"I see you...on the kitchen windowsill watching the birds...on my favorite chair...
on my desk lying on the papers I need...on the pillow next to my head at night."

The cat nodded.

"Can you see me in all of those places now, even though your eyes are shut?"
the Cat asked.

"Yes, of course. I've seen you there for years," the Man said.

"Then, whenever you wish to see me, all you must do is close your eyes,"
said the Cat.

"But you won't really be here," the Man said sadly.

"Oh, really?" said the Cat. "Pick up that piece of string from the floor -
there, my'toy.'"

The Man opened his eyes, then reached over and picked up the string.
It was about two feet long and the Cat had been able to entertain himself
for hours with it.

"What is it made of?" the Cat asked.

"It appears to be made of cotton," the Man said.

"Which comes from a plant?" the Cat asked.

"Yes," said the Man.

"From just one plant, or from many?"

"From many cotton plants," the Man answered.

"And in the same soil from which grow the cotton plants, it would be possible
that other plants and flowers would grow? A rose could grow alongside of the
cotton, yes?" asked the Cat.

"Yes, I'm sure itwould be possible," the Man said.

"And all of the plants would feed from the same soil and drink the same rain,
would they not?" the Cat asked.

"Yes, they would," said the Man.

"Then all of the plants, rose and cotton, would be very similar on the inside,
even if they appeared outwardly very different," said the Cat.

The Man nodded his head in agreement, but didn't see what that had to do
with the present situation.

"Now, that piece of string," said the Cat, "is that the only piece of string
ever made of cotton?"

"No, of course it isn't," said the Man, "it was part of a ball of twine."

"And do you know where all of the other pieces of string are now,
and all of the balls of twine?" asked the Cat.

"No, I don't...that would be impossible," said the Man.

"But even though you do not know where they are, you believe they exist.
And even though some of the string is with you, and other pieces of string
are elsewhere...even though some pieces of string are short
and others are long, and even though your ball of twine is not the only one
in the world...you would agree that all the string is related?" the Cat asked.

"I've never thought about it, but yes, I guess they would be related,"
the Man said.

"What would happen if a piece of cotton string fell onto the ground?"
the Cat asked.

"Well...it would eventually be covered up and decompose into the soil,"
the Man said.

"I see," said the Cat. "Then perhaps more cotton would grow above it, or a rose."

"Yes, it would be possible," the Man agreed.

"Then the rose growing on your windowsill might be related to the string
you are holding as well as to all the pieces of string you do not know about,"
said the Cat.

The Man knit his brow in thought.

"Now take each end of the string in one hand," the Cat ordered.

The Man did so.

"The end in your left hand is my birth and the end in your right hand is my death.
Now bring the two ends together," the Cat said.

The Man complied. "You have made a continuous circle," said the cat.
"Does any point along the string appear to be different, worse or better
than any other part of the string?"

The Man inspected the string and then shook his head "no."

"Does the space inside the circle appear to be different from the
space outside of the circle?" the Cat asked.

Again the Man shook his head "no," but he still wasn't sure he understood
the Cat's meaning.

"Close your eyes again," the Cat said. "Now lick your hand."

The Man widened his eyes in surprise.

"Just do it," the Cat said. "Lick your hand, think of me in all my familiar places,
think about all the pieces of string, think about the cotton and the rose,
think about how the inside of the circle is not different from the
outside of the circle."

The Man felt foolish, licking his hand, but he did as he was told.
He discovered what a cat must know, that licking a paw is very calming
and allows one to think more clearly. He continued licking and the corners
of his mouth turned upward into the first smile he had shown in days.
He waited for the Cat to tell him to stop, and when he didn't
he opened his eyes. The Cat's eyes were closed. The Man stroked
the warm, brown fur, but the Cat was gone.

The Man shut his eyes hard as the tears poured down his face.
He saw the Cat on the windowsill, then in his bed, then lying across
his important papers. He saw him on the pillow next to his head,
saw his bright gold eyes and darkest brown on his nose and ears.
He opened his eyes and through his tears looked over at the rose growing
in a pot on the windowsill and then to the circle of string he still held
clutched in his hand.

One day, not long after, there was a new Cat on his lap.
She was a lovely calico and white...very different from his earlier beloved Cat
and very much the same.

Author's note: I've had many special cats in my life, from my first, "Angel,"
to others who followed and passed on, "Ankara," "Khufu," "Chico," "Nina,"
"Kinky," "Fleck," "Sergei," "Katerina," and "Sir Edmund." Each one wonderfully
different and very much the same in their capacity to love and be loved.
Many times in my life, I have said that each of them could have no equal,
until another cat came into my life to prove me wrong.

I dedicate this story to them and also to the memory of a prince among cats,
a Burmese, "The Count," loved and missed by a special friend, Dick Weavil,
the publisher of "AnimalTalk," an e-newsletter whose weeklyrescue editions
have resulted in countless animal lives being saved. To subscribe,
e-mail nyppsi@aol.com, in the subject line type: MAILING LIST,
and in the text of the message type: SUBSCRIBE.

[The illustration for the story contains the Zen symbols for (top to bottom),
Spirit, Enlightenment and Love.]

Jim Willis is the author of the book, "Pieces of my Heart -
Writings Inspired by Animals and Nature," now available through
Amazon.com in the U.S. and the U.K.

Jim's writings have been featured often both in "About Cats" and
"About Veterinary Medicine". If you were touched by "The Zen of Cat,"
you'll love the book!


Jim's book, "PIECES OF MY HEART - Writings Inspired by Animals and Nature"
(includes "How Could You?")
is available in the USA, the UK and Europe. For more info and a special fundraising
discount, see:http://www.crean.com/jimwillis/

**Jim Willis/The Tiergarten Sanctuary Trust are now affiliated with
Cape Fear Rescue Rangers
http://www.petfinder.org/shelters/NC332.html
Wilmington, North Carolina 28403, USA
- We usually have foster animals available for adoption.
- Donations of quality foods/bedding/litter and other supplies are greatly
appreciated.
- Donations to our veterinary care fund may be sent directly to our vet
(see petfinder link for address).